Satire week

Ever since the creation of this world, women have selflessly accepted the role of being both the housekeeper and the caregiver. Women, being far less capable than men, do not deserve to gain complete equality.  , a wild and rebellious group commonly labeled as ‘feminists  have been attempting to gain total equality to their male counterpart, h owever; their foolish acts need to end, as women cannot...

On April 8th, 2016, the school board announced that they will be raising annual debate team budget from it’s original $2 allowance to $5 and an empty Subway sandwich bag. “This is fantastic,” captain Miranda Felton exclaimed, “We can finally stop strapping our novices to the roof of the car!” With their immense success in the past few years, the Board was overwhelmed with pride for their ...

After shamelessly dodging the equity guidelines and regulations set down by Title IX for over 40 years, baseball has decided to finally meet the requirements. “What most people don’t understand about Title IX is that it was intended to promote and achieve equality of opportunity and equality of condition,” remarked gender equality historian John Fogarty. “That means equal funding, nu...

  In 2016, our world faces an astronomical amount of fresh water. This alarming aqua abundance situation is getting increasingly dangerous, as a result of the booming percentage of water conservationists. In addition to careless conservation, fresh water is no longer evaporating due to global warming. Water is not evaporating properly, in response, our streams and rivers and great lakes ...

For their final project before taking the dreaded AP World History Exam in early May, students of the CFHS AP World History Class have decided to build a full scale model of a guillotine, the chosen method of execution in early modern France. “I think it’s a great idea,” The teacher exclaimed, “It’s educational, and it’s really a once in a lifetime experience for them. I’m not concern...

A grubby blanket sits crumpled in the corner of a tiny metal cage. A whimpering dog sits curled in ball. His ribs can be seen through his skin. He looks as though he hasn’t eaten in days. There is a small water bowl with grimy water with specks of dirt floating in it. His owner has not let the dog out in very long time, so it has developed gruesome bedsores. The dog tries to stand up, but its une...

Becca Benson Becca Benson An unprecedented event recently happened at the Cannon Falls H.S. courtyard - an event that hasn’t happened for over twenty years. The Courtyard has been barred from student activity for this period of time, but it has finally been reopened to the Students, or so it seems. On March 31st, There was a sighting of a student inside the courtyard. The courtyard is the square area of gree...

“Got Milk” has captured America by storm. Shirts have been made to promote this slogan. Milk machines have been installed into schools across the country, including the small town of Cannon Falls. This mania has spread so far that local dairy farms have milked their cows dry. Lunch ladies have had to resort to stocking the magical machine with goat milk. “The kids hardly notice the difference. I...