Recent reports have revealed that up to five Cannon Falls High School students are comatose due to a Charged Lemonade black market. A recent slew of school board decisions banned cell phones in classes, students’ happiness, and charged lemonade. The dealer of the lemonade, who is suspected to be a CFHS senior, has so far evaded law enforcement. Investigators, at the plea of the Cannon Falls School Board, are looking into the issue and inching closer to finding the culprit.

CFHS students, on the other hand, are divided on the issue. “Yeah, five students are in a coma, but the lemonade tastes so good. Why would they make it taste good if it’s bad for you?” senior Bowen Maki commented. Despite the dire health consequences, 97% of CFHS students are apathetic to the five students and instead favor the lemonade, according to an LED poll. “Respectfully, I don’t care about them,” Kalie Campbell-Moline elaborated.

For most students, the potential for health effects does not outweigh the clear benefits of the lemonade. Caffeine remains superior. Monster enthusiast Grace Parks described, “The lemonade isn’t even that caffeinated; I could easily have two refills of the drink and I’d be fine.” As part of the LED poll, respondents were asked to cite the reason they preferred the unregulated circulation of charged lemonade as opposed to the proposed ban on the charged lemonade by the CF School Board. With 99.7%, the response “I just need that good pick-me-up” won. The moral and ethical responsibilities to the five comatose students falls to the backburner in the eyes of the student body. Junior Thomas Coyle explained, “We had to sacrifice people to get to the moon; we need to sacrifice people to get good lemonade.” 

Investigators were called in on March 15, a date which the conspiracy theorists of the school are attacking. “It’s no coincidence that they are stabbing our beloved lemonade dealer in the back on the Ides of March. The irony doesn’t get more obvious.” Piper O’Gorman theorized. Because of the theory circulating, the dealer – now dubbed “Caesar” in social media protests and the media – began putting up controversial posters in the school. With slogans such as “Charged lemonade is my Roman Empire!” and “Bring back the triumvirate of peace, love, and charged lemonade!,” support is only growing for the underground operation. FBI agent Brutus Betrayer said, “Our investigation is ramping up, but the love for caffeine is overpowering our efforts. At some point, we just have to tell the school board that we lost interest in their case.” 

Meanwhile, the lemonade dealer is going strong. Over 15 gallons of lemonade have been confiscated in the last week alone by school officials and an insider revealed that CFHS staff secretly believe students are hiding the lemonade in Stanley Cups and other “water” receptacles. Experts believe that the school is consuming a cumulative total of at least 372 gallons per day.

This issue is still unfolding. But, it does appear that the dealer is nowhere to be found and is likely to continue providing for the needs of CFHS students. The reigning philosophy for CFHS is “When life gives lemons, make some caffeinated lemonade.”