Nathan Baszuro

Students took over the board room to promote their radical agenda.

A not so hostile takeover

WARNING: SATIRE New leadership has been installed at Cannon Falls High School and has a new agenda for the future.

On March 27th, at 6 pm, the bi-weekly school board meeting took place. After only 10 minutes of discussion, the doors were shoved open by a herd of high school students.  Raiding the room, over 100 students flooded in, forcing the school board members to evacuate. As the students filled the chairs, it was clear there is a new revolution; a new school board is in place, with a new plan in mind. 

With a group of over 100 students, the rally appointed five members to be head of the new student school board. Director Nathan Baszuro, Director Kalee Anderson, clerk Makenna Collins, chairman Taylor Johnson, and Treasurer Kyra Schoenfelder were all voted in and took their positions in the chairs after the old school board members were pushed out. Getting right to business, the new members pulled out their Chromebooks and immediately started discussing.

 “A new plan to benefit the students and staff of the school is starting,” director Nathan Baszuro states. “First, luxurious lunches.” Drafting a plan, the first change for the schools will be implementing 10 new restaurants and a newly constructed lunchroom area. All of the student’s favorite chains, including Chick-Fil-A, Taco Bell, Chipotle, Starbucks, Subway, Panera, and Dunkin Donuts will be added to the lunchroom area. Sit-down restaurants, including Texas Roadhouse, Olive Garden, and the Cheesecake Factory will be added for students with online placeholders. With all these new food options being added, the lunchroom will need to be reconstructed to be able to adequately fit these new options. “We can just add an upper level to the school cafeteria,” Taylor Johnson suggests. “That way, we can have a whole level of restaurants.” 

After the first part of the plan was approved by the whole board, the members discussed their second idea: shorter class periods. “I think we only need ten to fifteen minutes for each class period.” Clerk Makenna Collins explained. “Realistically, it makes sense.” With each class period being fifteen minutes (ten minutes on WIN and ramp-up days), students would be able to have more time for other activities. “With the extra time, the students will be able to utilize the new attractions we are adding,” Collins continues. Attractions, including a waterpark, trampoline center, shopping area, hot tub, and ropes course will be added to the Cannon Falls school for students. “I heard that 99% of students learn better when they’re having fun,” Kyra Schoenfelder says. “If we bring the fun to the school, our students will be insanely smart because they’ll have a great time.” When discussing where these will be added, the students suggested replacing the guest parking lot with the waterpark. “We can also cut down on around 75% of the classrooms,” Baszuro adds. “We don’t need them.” With only a few classrooms, more room is opened up for the hot tub and trampoline center. The ropes course is designated to be on top of the school and the shopping centers will be combined with the new level of restaurants. 

“I think this is a good starting plan,” director Kalee Anderson states. “We can make more changes at the next board meeting.” When asked how the school would be able to budget and afford these changes, the board members looked at each other in confusion. “What do you mean?” Johnson asks. Waving the comment off, all members of the board approved the new changes, causing an uproar of excitement from the students observing. A dance party took place shortly after, as the students indulged in cake and ice cream.

With a new school board in place, many changes have been implemented. Waterparks, trampoline centers, shopping malls, restaurants, shorter class periods, and many more will be expected in the future and students will have a lot of extra time for fun attractions. The student school board suggests that any other desired changes be shared at their next meeting, on April 10th. 

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