Illuminating a dangerous society

There are many conspiracy theories spread among the population of the United States. Some of the more well-known examples of this are that the moon landing was fake or that Mark Zuckerberg is a robot. Of all the theories out there, the most conspicuous and undefined of them by far is the Illuminati: a supposed organization containing many members of high societal status such as billionaires, celebrities, and country leaders.

While these specific qualifications (as far as we know) have not been filled, it has been recently uncovered that some teachers and staff at Cannon Falls High School are likely members of this secret society. After long and in-depth consideration, many of our teachers have been suspected of being a part of the Illuminati. The math teachers were particularly suspected due to their direct connection to the geometric shape: the Triangle. After extensive research, it was surprisingly enough determined that the most likely teachers to be a part of the Illuminati are John Fogarty, Kirsten Hoffman, and Riley Buchheit.

First is John Fogarty, the immortal vampire himself. A man shrouded in mystery still teaching at “73” if what he says about his age is true. As of late, students throughout the school have raised their suspicions about Mr. Fogarty. According to Tiera Meyer, an expert investigator, “I have never seen Fog go outside, or even stand in the sun.” This suggests that Mr. Fogarty may, in fact, be a vampire which is very commonly associated with the Illuminati. Suspicious. This is also supported by his small, cramped office space which is very reminiscent of a coffin, which is often connected to the long slumbers vampires are known to participate in. He also has a very prominent triangular-shaped furrow just above his nose which would imply his ties to the Illuminati and their signature triangle shape.

Our second suspect is Kirsten Hoffman, the high school guidance counselor, and former social studies teacher. As a former social studies teacher, she has a history of knowledge in geography. This gives her a near direct connection to the pyramid of Giza in Egypt. This pyramid is frequently cited as being built by aliens and is often used as the primary symbol of the Illuminati. This shows the very short connection between Mrs. Hoffman and the mysterious Illuminati. When interviewed, an anonymous student said that “The unfavorable formatting of my schedule seems to indicate that Mrs. Hoffman has it out for me.” This proves that Mrs. Hoffman has colluded with an upper power to provide unfavorable schedules to those who oppose the Illuminati. 

Last, but certainly not least, is the towering hulk of a teacher, Mr. Riley Buchheit. He often teaches physical science in which he talks about atoms and molecules being the building blocks of the universe. These same building blocks are similar to the way that giant stones were used as building blocks of the pyramids. Beyond this, he also teaches Computer Science Principles which utilizes a program called Code.org in which, if a coding error occurs, it displays a yellow triangle which further links Mr. Buchheit to the Illuminati organization due to his faith in this program.

Therefore, with all of the evidence presented, it is clear that the teachers John Fogarty, Kirsten Hoffman, and Riley Buchheit all have a high chance to potentially be in this secret society. It is important to keep an eye out for these particular staff members and their dubious activities in order to ensure that no one else is recruited into this malicious organization.