Making a pitch for underhandedness

After shamelessly dodging the equity guidelines and regulations set down by Title IX for over 40 years, baseball has decided to finally meet the requirements.

“What most people don’t understand about Title IX is that it was intended to promote and achieve equality of opportunity and equality of condition,” remarked gender equality historian John Fogarty. “That means equal funding, number of sports, athletes, and in order to reach full equity, the same rulebook.”

That’s right. From now on, baseball pitchers will have to throw underhanded.

“Finally, women’s equality on the playing field has been achieved!” exclaimed CF senior softball player Brooke Peters.

This rule change is being implemented along with the so-called Chase Utley rule which prevents runners from breaking up double plays by sliding into the dms of shortstops and second basemen.

“I actually don’t mind the rule,” said Cannon Falls senior baseball captain Hunter Reinardy. “It actually gives me a better chance at a W because we have better hitters than they do.”

Nationwide, however, opinions are split. College teams with outstanding pitching staffs (Vanderbilt, Texas A&M, who cares) are fuming while those with bad ones (the Gophers!) are excited for a much more even playing field.

“Honestly, Minnesota sports are terrible right now. The Vikings choke, the Wild are streakier than those guys with only paper bags on their heads, the Timberwolves are hopeful, but let’s be honest. Minnesota is where sports hope comes to die. Oh, and we suck at everything except for women’s hockey, too,” remarked a proud, honest Gopher fan. “This rule change gives us hope, and for once, this hope is legal, shared throughout the Big Ten, and not based on potential. So I’m saying there’s a chance.”

With this victory sealed up, Title IX looks to haul in its next catch: golf. Golfing in a skirt is inherently more difficult than golfing in comfy slacks (why do you think they’re called slacks, after all). “Equal clothing is the next step,” Fogarty added. “If that barrier can be broken down, we truly will be on to something.”