Rocking our world

Students are always taught of the inspiring human leaders throughout history, right alongside with the admirable people living in our world today. However, due to this ridiculously prominent emphasis on amazing humans, true heroes often get overlooked.

Born with the dawn of time, a local rock has begun to utilize his exceptional philosophizing and persuading abilities for good. The small rock has shown an evident capacity to leave a big mark; his inspirational prowess and worldly demeanor have proved to better the lives of billions, both pebbles and people.

When asked about his thoughts on the matter, the humble rock declined to comment on his own astounding glory, remaining silent in an almost reverent manner, only furthering his splendor with his silence. 

Jessica Baszuro, who has been blindly stumbling through life for the past 17 years, had an epiphany in the presence of the majestic rock, proclaiming that “before I talked to the rock, I had no idea what I wanted to do after high school. Now, I have it all figured out. Thanks to the rock’s active listening style and stellar advice, I have been inspired to pursue a career in geology.” Other students, too, have benefited from the sagacious rock’s eternal wisdom. 

Tristin Qualey, a junior at CFHS who had lost all hope for the future, realized his full potential due to the bewilderingly stunning rock’s wonder and glory. Effusing over the new direction his life has taken, Qualey spoke through tears of joy as he expressed that “the rock has helped me realize that I don’t just want to study his kind, I want to be his kind.” In an attempt to meet this end, Qualey has stopped eating, drinking, and moving, instead opting to sit as still as the rock and contemplate the meaning of life.

The remarkable rock is a great inspiration to everyone, and news stations have started to pick up on its irrefutable magnificence. Just last Thursday, the International Association of Rock Awareness (IARA) showed their support for this object of astounding beauty and wisdom as part of a campaign called IARA for rocks, deciding to run a special on the illustrious rock’s honor, prestige, and grandeur. Not only did they write and produce the most gripping documentary ever seen to human eyes, the IARA even went so far as to buy a primetime slot in every country’s most popular news channel so that the heartwarming story of the ravishing rock would touch and transform as many hearts as possible.

Courtesy of the documentary’s mounting fame, the rock’s exposure has led to levels of fame and status previously unheard of. The rock, who is quickly approaching god-like status, has recently received critical acclaim from the New York Times, Rotten Tomatoes, and a variety of other prestigious global publication entities.

Born and raised in Cannon Falls, the rock smiles upon the area, spreading his light wherever he is kicked or thrown and bringing eminence to our modest Midwestern town. 

Appreciative of the rock’s contributions to Cannon Falls society, a group of students have since started a club to adequately acknowledge the rock’s great achievements. Any students hoping to perpetuate the rock’s glory can meet with the club’s anonymous founders in the IMC at 2:22 on April 22.