Satire Week Grid 2023

A master warlock visits Cannon Falls to hypnotize students with is magic mask  

It all started in the science room. Partners Anya and Eleanor were mixing chemicals, when Eleanor grabbed the wrong vial, starting a fire. At first, people thought it was bad till they saw what was coming down. The teachers were having a very hard time getting the kids outside. The science teacher now is very careful when using chemicals. One interesting circumstance that happened because of th...

Practically everyone has heard of the award-winning children's book "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" by Mo Willems, but many people don't realize how immensely popular it has become with the older generations. In fact, the book is gaining so much recognition that many English teachers have started using it as an example for their students. Because of this,  "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" has been approve...

An argument has swept the planet: is it pronounced GIF or GIF?  

Tristin Qualey and Lauren Ritz seek to inform CFHS students with their coverage of recent events.

Originally constructed in 1962, the Cannon Falls High School building had seen its share of wear and tear. Only months before the major renovations planned in the building, the school has seen an increase in plumbing leaks. It has become no surprise to the students of the school to see pails and garbage cans scattered about the halls catching drops.  The leaks come from some of the plumbing that ...

Jumping to first place on every bestseller list, Colleen Hoover is a name which has singlehandedly changed the romance genre. Her books have swept the nation, offering inspiring stories that are true to her namesake: vacuum romances. In fact, people in Great Britain have coined the term “hoovering” for whenever they vacuum as a tribute to her. Hoover published several vacuum fanfiction novels,...

Today I have gotten the once-in-a-lifetime chance to interview one of the founding fathers, in both flesh and blood, Alexander Hamilton! Now, how in the world did I get an interview with someone so influential? A Founding Father must be incredibly busy, right? Well, it was quite easy. I knew that an old guy like Hamilton wouldn’t have something like an email, so I’d have to find a source -- an acqu...

The Cannon Falls Baseball Program announced in the middle of March that they will no longer allow left-handed players to play. The coaches claim this new adaptation has been in the works for a couple of years now, but it won’t apply until the 2024 season. Players, parents, and fans are all demanding answers to why this sudden change in who is allowed to participate. They have also raised some co...

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Search the attached picture to find a black bean hidden in a black background. Only the cleverest person will come up with the correct answer   ...

“Peter! You don’t have to do this! We need you!” exclaimed Lara Jean Covey, the skintight unitard-wearing, akimbo-pistol-wielding, martial artist superheroine who is about to lose her significant other. Despite her pleas, Peter Kavinsky lets go of Lara’s arm, plummeting to the endless depths of Heartbreak off of the cliff of Love. By sacrificing himself for a life without a girlfriend, he ...

Mr. Lindow pursues students who have been skipping class and tests     ...

“All teenagers are addicted to their phones.” This is a common misconception… think some people. In fact, it is a misconception that this is a misconception and due to the double negative that I have just laid out before you, the statement that “all teenagers are addicted to their phones” is true. To remedy this horrible issue, we should simply get rid of all technology. Some people wil...

Last year CFHS announced  that the school is adding Underwater Basketball, Ostrich Racing, and Sky Diving. Unfortunately, none of them took off enough to continue. Parents and Students can’t wait for this year's announcement of new extreme sports (that may or may not take off within the school). Just recently the high school released that they are going to try to add three sports again. They ar...

On March 27th, at 6 pm, the bi-weekly school board meeting took place. After only 10 minutes of discussion, the doors were shoved open by a herd of high school students.  Raiding the room, over 100 students flooded in, forcing the school board members to evacuate. As the students filled the chairs, it was clear there is a new revolution; a new school board is in place, with a new plan in mind.  ...

Being alone at night can be terrifying and the last place students want to spend their time is at school after school hours. However, sometimes teachers do end up doing precisely that to finish grading schoolwork or to organize school plans for the next few days. Not to mention, janitors also have to stay after school in order to do their job. Like any other place, stories can evolve from being at school ...

On Friday, March 31, at 8:31 AM, art teacher, Nicolette Hernke was seriously injured after the school’s pottery kiln exploded into smithereens. The blast occurred in one of the small pottery rooms within the art department on the west side of the building and many students could hear the blast all the way from the classrooms on the east side of the school.  “I heard a very loud bang and the...

On March 31 at 8:32 AM, just seconds after poor Mrs. Hernke fell victim to an exploding kiln, a UFO crashed in the CFHS courtyard. Students in the surrounding area report seeing a large flash of light and hearing a loud "bang" sound believed to be the UFO crossing the sound barrier mere milliseconds before it smashed into the ground. In fact, it met the Earth with such astronomically high speed tha...

Search the attached picture to find a black button hidden in a black background. Only the cleverest person will come up with the correct answer     ...

One day Eleanor Montgomery was walking in the woods with Blake Johnson  and Anya Nygaard. Suddenly Eleanor screamed in pain. She had stepped in a hole, or so they had thought. Well, they would soon find out that that was not a hole. Mrs. Thompson came running over to see what had happened. Eleanor had said that she had stepped in a hole. Mrs. Thompson took one look at that hole and said “I don’...