Satire week grid

Armed to the teeth with tree saplings, recycling bins, and metal straws, an environmental epidemic unlike anything anyone has ever seen is sweeping across the nation. Within our very own community are some green thumbed individuals who have created their own sect in the form of a High School Environmental Club. With promises to promote environmental efforts in the Cannon Falls region, the Environmen...

The both iconic and groundbreaking band Weezer has grown immensely popular amongst the younger generation in the past few months. With their songs of hardships and the frustrations that come with life, their cleverly composed lyrics make the band immensely relatable and give avid listeners a troupe to identify themselves with. In fact, the band is so incredible they can be heard in various movies and TV sh...

Romance movies have always been my favorite genre of film, so to splurge on myself I decided to go see the new movie, The Batman, and let me start off by saying, this is the worst romance movie I have ever seen. Nothing but fight scenes and gloomy skies could be seen on screen, and to make things even worse, the same song kept playing over and over again muttering what I think said, “something in ...

      ...

There are many conspiracy theories spread among the population of the United States. Some of the more well-known examples of this are that the moon landing was fake or that Mark Zuckerberg is a robot. Of all the theories out there, the most conspicuous and undefined of them by far is the Illuminati: a supposed organization containing many members of high societal status such as billionaires, celebri...

Normally, when people think of good movies, a list comes to mind: Avatar, Avengers: Endgame, Star Wars, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy. But this common list has an outlier. The elephant in the room is Avengers: Endgame and much like a drunken elephant, the movie was clumsy and unfitting on a screen. After a tolerable buildup in Avengers: Infinity War, the producers botched what could have been a 2.5-s...

“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone” is a gruesome book pitting young tweens against each other in a game to the death. Each House of Hogwarts must choose two tributes to compete in these violent games. Harry Potter and Hermoine Granger are the tributes chosen for House Gryffindor. In control of the games is the evil Professor Dumbledore who is forcing the students of Hogwarts to battle aga...

An open letter to the editor of the Lantern: Last week when I was at the library looking for books on patchwork quilts, I saw something truly distressing: our local library is planning to hold a beach day that features squirt guns for children to play with. It is honestly appalling that a library would sanction such a dangerous and damaging activity. Now, I understand that some readers may not b...

While strawberries and bananananas are key smoothie ingredients, insulin has been making a recent appearance in smoothies, and American diabetics are grateful for it. As Big Pharma causes insulin prices to soar, a certain Sam’s Club smoothie brand is taking action to combat the burgeoning issue. Recently, the Member’s Mark premium fruit juice smoothies have added a new ingredient to their rep...

Students are always taught of the inspiring human leaders throughout history, right alongside with the admirable people living in our world today. However, due to this ridiculously prominent emphasis on amazing humans, true heroes often get overlooked. Born with the dawn of time, a local rock has begun to utilize his exceptional philosophizing and persuading abilities for good. The small rock has shown an evident capacity to leave a big mark; his inspirational prowess a...

While teachers repeatedly yell at people for falling asleep in class, they are really just withholding the secret to success. Studies conducted through Wikipedia have shown that students retain 150% more information while asleep rather than being awake. Students must sleep in class to learn more efficiently and retain the information given to them. According to scientific sources, when people are asleep their ea...

Bubbl’r is the new well-known drink going around. Plenty of students consume it all the time, thinking of it as an “exciting” drink. Recent information has revealed something that might change everyone’s mind about Bubbl’r, though. If the information spreads out, it might just be able to prevent this awful scenario from happening.  According to the new scientific data, Bubbl’r has been giv...

As some may know, the Wifi at Cannon Falls High School and Middle School is absolutely horrid and some say they've seen squirrels chewing the wires. So, if you see any squirrels please do report them. There's a giant problem with squirrels at Cannon Falls High School and Middle School chewing the Wifi cords. The squirrels are coming from the forest and making their way to the school because they...

Many citizens of this world have been told as children to eat fruits and vegetables, because they’re “good for you.” Recently, studies have shown that parents have been lying to their kids about it. The phrase “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is false. My imaginary friend Jonathan went to a special hospital on Saturn, because he was eating an apple once a week. My other imaginary friend,...

...

Cannon Falls Area Schools has recently uncovered $500,000 in a secret compartment under the flooring of the high school gymnasium. However, with the new referendum now underway, the school was unsure of what to do with the immense amount of money. But, after the school board meeting, it was decided it was only fair to do something with the money that would interest the student body. So, with spring s...

At around 8:53 AM, Julie Murphy was kindly handing out pop tarts and small containers of apple juice. A flock of starving students soon formed around the goodies. Supposedly the flock grew and grew until it turned into a fight for survival: Murphy’s gauntlet. The hangry crowd of children trampled over Ms. Murphy to get to the additional box of goods. Murphy is now in critical condition while she t...

The mythical story of the Groundhog’s day is known across the world; if, on February 2nd, the furry creature gazes upon its shadow, then six more weeks of winter are coming while being shadowless predicts an early spring. However, this prophecy, mighty and grand, does not give details of the future in the case of the demise of the woodchuck on the monumental date and many hoped such an occasion would...

[/video]...

The brutally cold winter has affected all Minnesotans. With temperatures below -20 degrees Fahrenheit, everyone is taking desperate measures to stay warm. Some have turned to hot chocolate and coffee, and others are investigating alternative forms of heat.  Cannon Falls High School is no different. With a generous $10,000 grant from the Education Foundation, the school is excited to embark on a new ...

There were rumors of tiny green men taking over the Cannon Falls school. Painted rainbows were spotted leading into the art room. Gold colored items slowly disappeared. On March 17, the buses dropped the students off at school. It was like any normal school day. However, something was a little off; the school looked like it just got painted shiny green. The glint and messiness of the school looked li...

After months of hard work, the competitors line up around the table. Sweat drips as they focus on the hotdogs lined up. Eyeing the competitors, everyone stands positioned, ready to gobble as many hotdogs as they possibly can. Lunging into the table, the announcer shouts “On your mark, get set, eat!” On February 1st, 2022 the Cannon Falls Hot Dogs competition season began. The team spent mont...

...

Recently, the mysterious Cullen family moved to Cannon Falls, generating gossip and intrigue throughout the town. The Cullen family has stirred up drama involving their strange behavior, incestuous intrigue, conspiracies of vicious vampirism, and sightings of sparkling subjects which, by all accounts, perfectly defined the Cullen Clan. While this is likely all nothing more than idle small-town gossip,...

In honor of April’s Fools, the CFHS Lantern will be letting our satirical counterpart -- the LED -- take the reins for a week, and all of the work published on the LED website will be exclusively satirical from Monday, March 28 to Friday, April 1. Satire is a category of writing entirely removed from the fact-based journalism that the Lantern usually provides. Works of satire are intended to be ...