WARNING: SATIRE Technology has created many problems in out society, but there is one sure way to fix them.
“All teenagers are addicted to their phones.” This is a common misconception… think some people. In fact, it is a misconception that this is a misconception and due to the double negative that I have just laid out before you, the statement that “all teenagers are addicted to their phones” is true. To remedy this horrible issue, we should simply get rid of all technology.
Some people will argue that computers are necessary to run our society and that we need phones to effectively communicate, but these are the very same people who claim that watching television is an acceptable way to pass time.
In truth, computers, and all technology, are ruining the next generation of humanity. So-called “iPad kids” have become a joke on social media for their notoriously poor behavior, and who wants an iPad kid to grow up to run a nation? Clearly, the only feasible option is simply to get rid of technology so that Americans don’t run the risk of some grubby-fingered screen addict becoming president.
Technology is corrupting older generations as well. John Fogarty, a teacher at CFHS notorious for his advanced age anonymously commented that “I find that google search is invaluable for finding information for articles and in teaching AP Composition.” Says the same John Fogarty who missed his train to the airport on March 15th, 2023 because he was distracted by his phone (nevermind that the train crashed and all the passengers were killed and that he was calling his sick, seven-year old granddaughter who was stranded in the middle of the Sahara Desert).
Senior Jessica Baszuro claims that “I just think that getting rid of all technology is a little extreme. Technology can do some really great things: connect people with distant friends, help businesses run more efficiently, even save people’s lives in hospitals and clinics around the world.” However, Baszuro is clearly misinformed. With a screen time of over 29 hours a day, her brain has been fried by screens and corrupted with the Internet to the point that she is beyond saving and should be completely ignored.
The only solution to this burgeoning issue is to get rid of all technology. Some people might be dissuaded from burning all of their devices on the account that life would be harder without them, but in fact, life is easier without technology. Why type an article or essay when you could carve it into stone? A recent Harvard study discovered that people who write using a stone and chisel have 300% more arm strength than people who type out their thoughts. If there’s one thing our society could use more of, it’s arm strength.
Overall, technology is stupid and we should get rid of it completely. So, the next time you’re thinking about picking up your phone to call your dying grandma, shove it down the garbage disposal. The next time you want to open up your laptop to send off a resume or look for a job, snap it over your knee and throw it in a lake. The next time you consider watching a documentary on TV to learn more about the world around you, grab a baseball bat and pulverize that TV. Technology is evil and should be destroyed. All of it.