Torch satire

Good Morning Europe, This is Margret Puffington here with urgent news. Recent reports show that St. Nick might be a criminal. While this old jolly fellow is known to bring joy, could it really just be a cover for his criminal activity?  Detective Burns has been tracking this case for 29 years and has ended up at Cannon Falls High School. Detective Burns has stated that he has evidence, and believe...

Rumors are circulating about Justin Bieber coming to Cannon Falls High School. Apparently, because the president visited, he decided that he would too. Justin hosted a songwriting contest, and one of our students secretly entered because he was obsessed with Justin, and that student’s name was Ryan Schlichting.   Schlichting even has a secret shrine to Justin Bieber. Now this wasn’t just any shri...

Imagine waking up early Easter morning, excited for the egg-cellent candy, only to realize that all of the rabbits were killed. That may soon be the case for young children in the years to come. 250 rabbits were killed this Easter Sunday for no reason other than malicious children searching for more candy. They were unable to egg-scape the stampede. “A crime of hate,” one might say. “Racia...

Becca Benson Imagine all the ice cream eaten in an average human lifetime. The average amount of ice cream consumed in the U.S is 48 pints per person. Multiply that number by the population of the country and it calculates to approximately 15,307 million pints that are eaten per year in the United States. This may seem like a massive supply, but it pales in comparison to the size of the giant ice cr...

Becca Benson 2 Canadian spies were found in the Cannon Falls school district looking for more maple syrup. Detectives first started getting suspicious when they saw taps in every single maple tree. They quickly found the suspects because the taps said “Property of Canadian spies”. The Canadian spies apparently stole maple syrup because the reservoirs are completely dry in Canada. This happene...

Officials are carbon dating John Fogarty right now to find out what his actual age is. On April 5th, 2016, archaeologists found ancient artifacts hidden in John Fogarty’s office. Also know as the Lantern meeting place, the office was littered with ancient items of lost civilization with a forgotten language that experts are working to decipher as of now. Carbon dating of the artifacts place them at ...